So you and?
by Golumfryingeggs
Summary: Stupid questions, lead to stupid problems which lead to... dramatic conclusions? Sequel to 'Sten and the Mage'... good luck in there.
1. So you And?

Oh dear, yes it's a sequel... the destruction that this piece of horror written literature may cause is... astronomical! Get your end of the world hazard suits ready! The end is near! Run, hide, buy a donkey and then lose your virginity!

Preferably not in that order!

P.S. Good luck solider.

yours insanely

Golumfryingeggs

* * *

"So you and Wynne?"

Sten sighed, (In reality it would be a appropriate to state that he took a slightly deeper breath than normal. In Sten's opinion Qunari should not in fact sigh as this might give the onlooker the twisted idea that the Qunari actually have lungs, which in turn would prove that they must have a heart. This was unacceptable. If it was possible he would stop breathing entirely, but that could pose some problems when fighting the next horde of Darkspawn. His response to this was quite profound and meaningful:

"Stupid oxygen relied body")

_Why me_?

He would never get used to these humans and their suggestive speaking. Why could they never be straightforward? Speak their minds and be done with it. If they want the sword say so, if they wish to kill a king do so! Why all this… crushing around the shrub? This was mostly the reason he preferred an ogres company over a humans.

At least you knew exactly what the ogre wanted. _He wanted to rip my head off, which was fair enough seeing as I wanted to spill his guts._

_We understood each other_.

"I and Wynne, what, human?" he growled, staring straight ahead at the darkness of the trees, the quiet night mocking him with its no danger tendencies. Will a bloody Darkspawn just jump out already?!. Sten was on watch with the Templar and hating ever second of it.

_Why do I always pair up with these pathetic humans_?

He paused.

Then again his other options included a drunken dwarf, a slobbering dog, a fashion victim rock and an amorous elf. He glanced sideways at the templar, who was leaning against a tree. Thinking about it the humans were the last of his worries in this party.

_That would have to be remedied, preferably with lots of screaming involved_.

"You know what I mean," the man sang in that annoying tone of voice, he'd seen children do this sometimes. Simply proving, once and for all that his first impression was correct.

_The man is an idiot_.

"No I do not know" Sten growled, but Alistair laughed it off. Why was he cursed so?

"Yes you do" The man nodded in that annoyingly obnoxious way. "You should buy her something if you're into her, like a necklace or a new staff or something…"

He sighed, (really) the cool night air penetrating his lungs fully this time, "Why do you humans value gifts so?" he asked, thoroughly annoyed at the younger male. Darkness and shadows in trees tended to look like they could manifest into monsters from a blackened abyss.

Alistair's face looked like that had just happened.

"Don't you like gifts?" he asked horrified, as if such a thought was enough to tear the whole country apart in one go. In this land it probably was.

"I never said that human," he barked, but did not press the matter further. True he did care for the woman a great deal; she was one of the rare few he could converse with without thinking up ways to maul her.

But whether it was something deeper than friendship… he just wasn't sure. He'd watched her more than usual and had assessed in his own way that she was fair looking for her age.

_Not that I do that on a daily basis, only when I'm eating, keeping watch, drinking, killing darkspawn, killing bandits, killing on the whole…_

…

_Damn_

He glared at the templar and wondered viciously how he would go about killing the man with a branch in such a way that it would look like a bear had mauled him. It was an old trick he'd once seen, but never tried.

_I'll have to find a thorny branch_.

"It'll never work," Alistair suddenly said with a smug grin, turning his gaze back to the trees of the forest, he tossed a pebble into the small creek a few yards away. "The mutt will smell it a mile away,"

_Twice over the head, once in the stomach, break a bone or two for effect and… wait what?_

Sten clenched his jaw, surprised at the human's ability to read him so well. Blasted things! Far too much in touch with their emotions, that alone will be the end of them. He gave a sideways glance at the man… the human was still smiling.

"You have glare number three on your face" he shrugged giving the Qunari a look. "_I'm going to kill you, painfully and enjoy it_. But like I said, the dog will sniff you out easily,"

_They numbered my glares_?

He blinked.

_I am __**awesome**__._

"True," Sten finally said, hiding a grin, "But that 'mutt' likes me, she does not, in fact, like you,"

"Of course she likes me!" Alistair laughed.

"You tried to take her food and told her that she might have eaten humans," Sten raised an eyebrow at the man, "She'll probably be glad to be rid of you," slowly he looked up and spied a thick branch among the leaves. Smiling he unsheathed Asala and with one mighty sweep slashed it from its hold. The piece of wood fell to the ground with a thud and with a few quick swipes of his blade; Sten removed all traces of twigs and leaves.

He weighed it in his hand… just for effect.

"W-what are you going to with that?" the human backed up as quickly as he could when Sten swung the limb experimentally. It was heavy; it had a sharp point and was covered in small thorns.

_Perfect_.

"I am going to kill you, painfully and enjoy it," Sten said plainly.

"Very f-funny Sten," Alistair smiled, but it quickly disappeared when he swung the branch up high over his head

"Yikes!" he yelped, holding his arms above his head for defense.

Sten suppressed a smile. Happy with the outcome, at least the human was terrified of him now.

_Mission accomplished_…

"I'm sorry for eating your cookies!"

He blinked.

… _My cookies_?

"You abomination!" he roared, the human yelped and quickly leapt out of the way just as the branch slammed into the forest floor. He rolled and quickly stood up just as Sten swiped at his head.

"I'll buy you some more! I swear!" he tried, but the giant was ignoring him flat out. Swinging the heavy branch at him like a sword, Alistair dodged to the right, just barely avoiding the deadly weapon of wood.

… and crashed right into a tree.

_Look before you leap_, Sten sneered inwardly.

He yelled in pain as his hand slammed into a large thorn, slicing straight through. Alistair collapsed on the forest floor, writhed in agony and Sten, realizing it might be serious, dropped the branch with a huff (which was technically a soft snort) to check on his companion.

"Let me see,"

"No!" the man moaned, holding his hand just out of reach.

"Stop being an infant!" Sten snapped, "And let me see,"

"I am warden! I don't need your help!" he growled angrily, pouting like a three year old "I have a health poultice, which I will use,"

Sten gritted his teeth.

_Killing him now would save me a lot of trouble_.

"Glare number 5" Alistair muttered.

"Human!" he warned.

"Fine!" Alistair snapped and quickly pushed himself up; he staggered to the small pouch by their tree and then carefully opened it with his one working hand. Alistair felt around and soon enough pulled out the small pot of poultice.

Sten went and stood beside the man, his back rigid and his eyes angry. No creature alive would dare speak to him when he was in such a-

"I think you two would make a cute couple," the templar started.

_Oh Parshaara… please_…

"I mean you're like this mean guy and she's like this calm friendly type," he smiled fondly as he continued; "I mean it's just like the perfect match! All you have to do is learn to keep that temper in!"

_Not with you around_. He growled inwardly, trying to keep the glare from forming on his brow.

She was a magnificent woman, this was obvious, but whether she would accept him remained to be seen. He was younger, stronger, a _lot_ bigger… in a _lot_ of ways… and he was a Qunari. Idly he wondered if she would even do the Act if he presented a gift. The Qunari did have certain ideas about certain things…

"_Here,"_

"_Oh, Sten!" she smiled holding the necklace in her hands_, "_Thank you very much_; _what can I do in return_?"

_He told her_.

"_You're going to put the necklace where?"_

_He showed her._

"_By the grace of Andraste, help_ me!" _she screamed running from the tent as fast as her legs could carry her. And what fine legs they were indeed_.

_The other members charged from their tents, weapons ready and fists flailing in the darkness. Torches were lit and the fury of the pack reigned down upon him in two terrifying words_;

"_Castrate him_!"

"It might be a good idea," Alistair said, while chewing on an apple, the juices trickled down his face and into his armor, "I'm going to the market tomorrow and then you can get her something. I mean she'll love getting a gift and then you both can know once and for all what goes for what. Sten? Are you alright?"

_They'll never take me alive_!

* * *

Yes I am aware it is not funny, nor was it well written, but unfortunately for you... I have decided on a second chapter. So you're going to have to deal with it!

Unless your planning on trying out those brand new war axes, in which case I'll just slowly slink away, disappear in the slimy slug caverns and take my badly written fics with me. I'm flexible.... my prrrrrrecious.

yours insanely

*Gollum*fryingeggs


	2. Crowds

Thanks for reading guys! I really appreciate ever hit I get, every 'favorite' and alert you lot save! Thanks for real and I hope you enjoy reading this insanity as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

But lemme know what ya think ;) Remember, you can insult me, belittle me, attack my writing, degrade my story and that's just getting you warmed up! It's real good therapy to let off some steam every now and then!

And for those of you who feel that this fic is so terrible that you're actually still working on your reviews… just send them in payments!

*big toothy grin*

Thanks for reading, thanks for favouriting and alerting and I hope you giggle at least once!

Yours insanely

Golumfryingeggs

* * *

**Crowds**

Denerim was busy, to say the least. The people bustled, dogs barked and the merchants cried above the crowds. The world was chaos; the streets were packed and if the Ferelden people knew about canned goods then they would probably compared it to a pack of sardines.

As it were this comparison wasn't there, so they had to settle for as tight as an arrow in a barrel'. Which, honestly just didn't have the same ring to it.

"_Dwarven crafts_!"

"_Finest blades_!"

"_Fastest steeds in Ferelden_!"

"_Buy my daughter_!"

The city was bustling, the crowds were fierce and the seven adventurers desperately weaved their way through the wall of humans. Sten took the front, holding his shoulders broad and generally glaring at everything and anything in the immediate vicinity. Most people scattered at the mere sight of the giant, but some of them were Antivan unfortunately.

"This is ridiculous!" Morrigan screamed above the roar.

"Which part?" Alistair snapped, holding onto the armor of the Qunari as another thick wave of people slammed from the front.

"The people!" Morrigan barked, "I mean what senselessness is this? Is there a crazed give away in this madness?"

"Oh!" Lelliana cried, "Perhaps a shoe sale! We should have a look!"

"No!" Alistair, Morrigan, Wynne and Oghren cried in unison.

"I don't know," Zevran called from somewhere in the back, "A good pair of boots made from a beasts hide is always a good idea… especially when I'm starring at such a nice-"

"Zevran if you finish that sentence I will unhinge you!" Wynne barked, glaring at the elf. The assassin quickly shut his mouth. She in turn shut her eyes and tightened her grip on Lelliana, who was hanging onto the dwarf, who was starring at the rear of Morrigan with a leering gaze, who was trying to tear Alistair's shoulders apart with her nails and finally who was just barely hanging onto Sten.

"_Buy my daughter_!"

"You know we could at least go have a look." Zevran said with a lusty voice, "Maybe she's cute, no?"

"No!" everyone barked.

"But maybe the shoes are close by!" Lelliana cried happily, starting a groan through the party. She giggled, "Besides this isn't so bad, it's like a tango!"

"I hate foreigners," Sten said stiffly.

"You're one to talk!" Alistair cried.

"Not for long, human"

"What is _that_ suppose to mean?"

"Who cares!" Morrigan snarled, her temper flaring, "Let's just get to this tavern so we may leave as soon as possible!"

A silent agreement rippled through the party and they (as quickly possible) pushed their way through the crowds. A few muffled cries could be heard up front and every now and then, when Wynne looked up, she could see Sten gently picking up the people by their collars and placing them on the side.

She couldn't stop a giggle slipping past.

"Enjoying this as much as I am?" Zevran purred from behind her.

She promptly kicked backwards like a horse, the elf squealed in some native tongue before nearly collapsing on the ground.

"Don't make me lose my grip, busty old woman!" he wailed when he finally got his voice back.

"I'm so very sorry, dear," she said in her mother tone, "Shall I aim higher next time?"

The elf muttered something in his native tongue that sounded particularly nasty, but Wynne did not press the matter.

They continued past the many stalls, pressing further and further in the direction of the pub. Feet crushed her own, pounding them into the dirt as the horde slammed against them time and time again.

_Like dancing with a Qunari_, she thought mildly as yet another pair of heavy boots crushed her toes.

"We're here" Sten said stiffly. Inwardly she praised her graces for this information. He pushed against the door as everyone held on behind, but a sudden wave from the crowds shoved everyone straight into his broad back.

The door was flung open.

"Woah!"

"Oomph!"

"Move, Bard!"

"Owy!"

"Bugger!"

"Language,"

"I'll show you language, hag! Fu-"

"Oghren!"

"He he he… Yeee-oow! Elf!"

"Serves you right! Using such nasty words in front of ze ladies…"

"Zevran get the hell off me!"

"Parshaara! This is taking too long!"

"Argh!"

Alistair was shoved backwards as the giant stood from the ground; he crashed right on top of Morrigan and the rest of the group. The Qunari's face was murderous.

"Get off me!" she hissed, struggling beneath the man.

"I can't!" he wailed, desperately trying to get up, but with the weight of his armor and the angle of his body, his shield had turned into a turtle shell.

_Shield regulation my ass_!

"Why, in the name of all that is sacred, did you bring your flute?!" Morrigan screeched at the bard. Her arm twisted beneath her as she tried to grasp at the damn thing.

"I always want my music with me," Lelliana giggled.

"Move it or I'll snap it!" she growled.

"I swear you are worst than children," Sten said glaring at the mess of people on the floor, his eyes swept the chaos, as if contemplating his next move. Alistair stared at the giant incredulously.

"A little help would be appreciated!" he yelled above the wails of his companions.

"Now why would I do that?" Sten shrugged, "When this is far more entertaining to watch,"

"STEN!" they all screamed.

"Oh very well," He deftly reached forwards and one by one started to pull his companions up from the floor. They moaned and yelped as painful muscles stretched and bruises formed.

"Took you long enough," he panted, leaning his hands on his knees as he caught his breath.

"I wasn't aware that Wardens needed any help" Sten raised an eyebrow at the Templar.

"Only when you're actually useful," he shot back, standing up straight and stretching his muscles_. I did not sign up for this_, he thought mildly, _although you didn't sign up to have good roll around with your leader either_.

He giggled. Sweet memories of last night pouring into his head… oh by the stars that was the most fun he'd ever had-

"Human, are you alright?"

"What?" Alistair frowned, looking up to find a glaring Qunari and frowning party. The tavern had fallen silent; every single head was tuned into them and there were quite a few heads.

"Er… hi…" Alistair said with a disarming smile. Everyone stared him, quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop. He blushed abundantly.

"Idiot," Morrigan muttered and Lelliana giggled.

"Sorry for…um" he swallowed, "… dropping in like this… ha ha"

Wynne covered her face with a hand, Oghren and Zevran snorted, not even trying to hide their amusement, Lelliana laughed mercilessly and The Sten and the witch settled for glaring the day lights out of him. The other occupants of the tavern gave the party a long strange look before returning to their drinks.

"That was close," Alistair whispered when everything had calmed down.

"Yes, indeed," Morrigan replied, "Very close of you making a fool out of yourself,"

"Do shut-up,"

* * *

Well there you go, the complete stupidness continues. Hope you enjoyed it and don't forget to let me know just how much it sucked!

Can't wait! :D!

Yours insanely

Golumfryingeggs


	3. Priorities Do Not Match

Third chapter, still no review...

_**I shall wreak my vengeance upon you insignificant wretches and scum of the earth! I shall bring upon you such a hideous monstrosity of heck that no creature, human or Mary sue will save you from its demonic evilness! I will...**_

**EAT YOUR COOKIES!**

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yours insanely

Golumfryingeggs

* * *

**Priorities do not match**.

"Well that was a complete waste of my time," Morrigan sneered as they stepped out of the tavern. The crowds had dwindled somewhat as the sun started to settle for the night. People still scattered and called in the dying night air, but they seemed to have calmed considerably. The wind was picking up as well, making the venture into the night air a slightly less appealing notion.

"Look, how was I supposed to know that he didn't have it?" Alistair snapped, glaring at the bar tender one last time as the door slammed shut. The other members tightened their cloaks against the sudden cold winter's breath and so for lack of anything better to do, he settled his glare on them instead, "And besides none of you, had to come anyway! Why did the lot of you tag along?"

"Herbs,"

"Woman"

"Ale"

"Wool"

"Repairs"

"Shoes!"

"Shovel"

They looked left.

A black haired, finely dressed elf from the Alienage stood close by. His lips and eyes smiling at them in that annoying fashion that was very much like him.

They glared.

The universes were against him on this one. Seven thoroughly annoyed and dangerous men were glaring at him in a threatening fashion. Perhaps it was time to start listening to the universes advice. He stared at them for a moment, sighed, threw up his hands and said, "Okay fine, fine I'm leaving,"

Their glares followed him until he disappeared around the alley.

Alistair placed his head in his hands, looking all for the world like a husband who'd just caught his wife cheating with his brother. "I hate you all…" he whimpered softly.

Wynne stepped forwards, placing a soft hand on the angry Templar shoulder. She smiled softly, speaking to the young man before he had a heart attack. "Alistair calm down, dear." She said quietly, "We'll find the medallion; he said he sold it to a merchant in the city, we all have things we wish to buy, so each of us will ask the merchants in turn if they have seen it."

"Yes mother," he snorted as she swatted him across the arm. "Alright, we'll split up; we have to move fast as most of these stalls close by sundown,"

"Which is in about 15 minutes," Morrigan muttered.

He glared, but did not retort. "We'll meet back here in about 30 minutes,"

They all nodded and quickly set off in different directions. Sten marched off to the armories, Morrigan to the potions, Zevran and Lelliana in the direction of the 'Buy my daughter' crier, Oghren staggered back into the bar and Wynne headed for the material section.

"Hey!" Alistair cried, "Is no one going to the _jewelry_ section for the _medallion_?"

"That's your job!" Morrigan cried.

"But I'm a man!" he wailed. Starring at her as the witch retreated into the crowds.

"Tell them you're homosexual!" she yelled back.

"They'll never believe that!" he sulked as he strolled to the jewelers.

"Yes they will," the Dwarf bellowed from the tavern, "Just start talking!"

_Yeah, yeah_, he grumbled as their laughter died away in the crowds, _very funny_.

* * *

"So, you and Sten?"

Wynn flipped around, her hand releasing the beautiful blue silk she had been eyeballing. Her gaze found the witch standing a few feet behind her. Morrigan watched her with hawk eyes, the golden gaze flickering softly in the dying light of the city.

Wynne glared at her, she could also see when silly games were being played, and when tiresome torments were starting… she will not be pulled into these pointless endeavors. Her pride and intelligence would not allow it!

"I am on to you!" she growled, her mouth just barely suppressing the sneer.

"Then you know of what I speak," Morrigan said simply as they strolled through the many stalls,

_Smooth, Wynne _she muttered inwardly_, smooth._

"I have seen how you gaze longingly at each other," the witch continued as if talking about the weather, "when you think the other is not looking,"

_I'm blushing! Please don't notice_!

"Tis a fine blush you have on your cheeks,"

The witch smiled a wicked grin and Wynne barely suppressed the urge to beat her over the head with a random handbag. Nosy old hag!

"There is nothing between us, my dear" She was calm, her voice controlled as always, perfect and harmonious. _Now if all the blood would stop rushing to places I care not to mention that would be super_. "We are good friends, this is true, but that is all it is,"

_Then why do you dream of him in a thong?_

_Damn it_!

"It tis nothing to be ashamed of, mage," she shrugged after checking the wares of the last stall. "He is a handsome and a fine.... um…. Man…"

_Yeah he gets that a lot._..

"And you are a very beau… a pre…" she cleared her throat "Caring woman," she finally settled for.

_Yeah I get that a lot too_.

She settled for a stiff, "Thank you, dear"

They continued along the stalls, the darkness seeping into the city, chilling the air and frosting the streets. It was mighty cold in Ferelden, especially on these dark nights when the wind blew in from the seas with icy breath and frozen hands.

Wynn tightened her cloak, inwardly cursing the regulation mage robes. They did nothing for protection against the elements. Although there are many ways one could break the 'ice' as it were and heat up quite quickly…

_And I won't even need a robe_…

"If you do like him," she suddenly spoke, breaking Wynne's train of thought, which went down a path she would never admit in her old age. "You should speak your mind, the Qunari admire that in people. Tell him upfront what you want and how you want it. He'll respect you for it."

Wynne could only imagine how that would go down.

"_Take me here and now!"_

"_Take you were?"_

"_No, no I want you to have your way with me!"_

"_What way would that be?"_

"_Oh for the love of… sex Sten __**sex**__!"_

_There was a long pause. Which was quickly followed by crazy kissing, moaning and clothe tearing. Alistair watched on in shock, the other party members all tilting their heads left._

"_Is that even possible?" he asked._

"_He's a Qunari," Morrigan shrugged, "I'm thinking a lot more than that is possible,"_

_A screaming moan tore through the camp._

"_You weren't kidding," Zevran choked before throwing up_.

"All I'm saying," Morrigan continued, "Is simply that it would be best to get this behind you, than to let it simmer in your minds. Wynne?"

_Sten, don't stop_!

* * *

Shorter than the first two, but hope you enjoyed at least. Thanks for reading! And you batter review.... -_- .... think of the COOKIES!

Lovely day guys!

Yours insanely

Golumfryingeggs


End file.
